Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
