I must be too annoying 4 u.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Randomize
