Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
not ubering you a puppy
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
