just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
