i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
