Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Randomize
