u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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