I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
