how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
