Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
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