need another drink. this is the easiest way
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
