Can i not drive my cunt home
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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