my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
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What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
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He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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