sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
