SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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