Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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