Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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