id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
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I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
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Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
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