I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
