Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
