I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
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Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
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Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
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