She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
