I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
