Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
