He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Boobs are out for the taking
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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