captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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