The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
