he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
