After last night, I could never be a politician.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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