First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize
