happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize
