Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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