ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Randomize
