Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
