wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Randomize
