Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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