Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
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