So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
