If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Randomize
