i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
