Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
