Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Randomize
