I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
