I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Randomize
