Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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