I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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