she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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