I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
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Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
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I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with