Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.