My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
These 25 People Had Very Inappropriate Sexual Relations(hips)
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
These 31 People Are Lazier Than You Could Ever Imagine
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."