I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.