I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Randomize
