Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Randomize
