3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I need to sanitize my soul.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Randomize
