booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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