So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
