I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Randomize
