I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
